Many times, intangible things keep us evolving into our highest selves. The concept of forgiveness is a common tether that binds us to our past. Some are reluctant to forgive because the act of bearing a grudge keeps an invisible “tote board of wrongs” that serves to keep score. Against whom? For what purpose? To what end?
Remember, don’t confuse forgive with excuse. You can forgive someone a transgression without excusing it. Forgiveness is ultimately a selfish act, in that we gain more from forgiving than the forgiven.
You have the choice of not allowing someone’s behavior to affect you. To forgive is a verb. It is an action that you take to free yourself.
“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” — Catherine Ponder
This concept is a tough one to reconcile, isn’t it? Forgiving someone who has hurt us seems to add insult to our injuries. Our ego clamors for not only recognition and acknowledgement of our pain, but (if possible) would REALLY like to extricate a pound of flesh from the party who wronged it.
Our need for retribution is a strong cord, binding us to those who have treated us poorly or otherwise hurt us. Each of us can recall a time when we were cheated; and some of us have strong dysfunctions and abusive behaviors in our background that are beyond the scope of this post. For those instances, I would strongly recommend seeking professional help to work through those experiences.
However, each of us also has the capacity for forgiveness. In forgiving another, we paradoxically free ourselves.
One of the most compelling stories of forgiveness I’ve ever read comes from Holocaust survivor Eva Mozes Kor, who, along with her twin sister, were victims of Dr. Josef Mengele during World War II. Here’s what she had to say about forgiveness:
“No one could give me that power. No one could take it away,” she said. “Everyone has the power to forgive. You can use it in any way you wish.” — Eva Mozes Kor
Some of us perhaps haven’t spoken to certain family members for some time, nursing a grudge or harboring a resentment over a slight (perceived or real). Perhaps a business partner has cheated you out of a sum of money. This may be an opportunity to reflect upon why this situation exists and to also recognize our own part in continuing the pattern.
By owning our behavior, we are taking responsibility for our choices. This action puts us at the center of our independence. We cannot control another; we can only control ourselves and our actions in response to others.
“A person who has forgiven is a liberated person. I call forgiveness a seed of peace.”— Eva Mozes Kor
Forgiving someone also doesn’t mean continued exposure to hurt. Forgiveness gives us space to extract the lesson from the experience. Acknowledgement of a situation, realizing our part in it, forgiving, releasing ourselves and others before moving forward are all essential steps to moving forward.
I remember during my first divorce, I was taking a course for the newly-separated to learn how to move forward. The curricula included everything from money management and legal matters to the psychological aspects of disengagement from the ex-spouse.
During one lesson focusing on the five stages of grief, the person teaching the class paused, and said to us all: “You will not be able to move forward in your life until you can forgive your ex, and recognize your own part in ending the marriage.”
Immediately, my inner ledger-keeper piped up: “He cheated on you! He left you stranded with a baby on the way!” There was a litany of other offenses I had hoarded up in my heart against this person, and I privately thought that our teacher was an idiot. “There’s no way I’m apologizing to that so-and-so,” I thought to myself.
However, years later, I was standing in my kitchen, and for whatever reason, was able to forgive. I’ll never forget the feeling of my shoulders relaxing as if a literal load had been lifted from them.
Forgiveness is possible. It’s also simple, but it’s not easy.
“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” — Paul Boese
Righteous indignation is a false gain some cling to when considering forgiving another. It can be a comforting cocoon of sorts to be the one with whom others sympathize (“She’s been so brave” or “He’s had to suffer so much”). What is this dubious prize of sympathy ultimately costing you?
Take a moment and answer a few questions:
• What is it specifically that bothers me about this situation?
• What it is about me or my behavior that I recognize in the other person?
• Is the other person even aware that I feel wrong/betrayed?
• Has (s)he tried to make things right between us?
• How much energy have I spent harboring this grudge?
• What have I lost?
• What do I hope to gain by continuing this behavior?
You have the capacity to expand into something greater. Do a quick psychological cost-benefit analysis and determine what you can achieve by forgiving another (or forgiving yourself). Liberate yourself through forgiveness.
Today was a pretty heavy subject. Be kind to yourself, and I’ll see you soon.
P.S. Every Sunday, I publish a free weekly newsletter called the 3 Minute Reset, which includes life lessons, life hacks and treats. To subscribe, click here.
