The most important aspect of being a great listener is being fully present during your conversations. You must be “here” in order to hear at the highest level.
“How do I listen to others? As if everyone were my Master speaking to me His cherished last words.”— Hafiz
There’s a saying: that in order to learn, we must listen more and to speak less. The proverb of having two ears and one mouth dictating the ratio of listening to speaking comes to mind. The lessons we learn, of course, come from other people, to whom we must listen.
When I notice that I’m hearing the same themes coming from two or more people in my orbit within a short amount of time, I realize that life is trying to send me a message. Has this been your experience?
“There are people who, instead of listening to what is being said to them, are already listening to what they are going to say themselves.” — Albert Guinon
I have been guilty of this transgression. My Irish lineage and natural tendencies have resulted in my being a bit of a chatterbox. Add to this innate predisposition my birth order (oldest of three) and a propensity toward being a know-it-all, which gave me a handicap when I was younger of presuming that I already knew most answers.
Decades of living and their attendant experiences have trained me now to listen. When we are busy talking, we cannot hear. When we formulate our response to what we think is being said instead of what is actually being said, miscommunication and misery may follow.
It is essential that we quiet our inner dialogue and focus on what the other is saying. One of the habits I’ve cultivated, especially in our social-media-saturated, always-connected digital landscape is to be mindful of my smartphone usage. When I’m having lunch with someone, or at a meeting, I make a specific effort to turn my phone off and place it face down on the table.
If, on the off chance, I am expecting an important call, I let my table mates know. In those instances, I put the phone on vibrate and tuck it into my pocket. That way, if or when the call comes in, I’m alerted, but the phone isn’t on the table as a distraction (seeing notifications and alerts can interrupt the flow of conversation).
“Listening looks easy, but it’s not simple. Every head is a world.” — Cuban Proverb
When I was a little kid, I would look out the window of our family car as we made our way along the interstate during family trips. As I would watch other cars and trucks pass, I can remember thinking that each vehicle represented another family; another reality, distinct and different from mine.
In a similar fashion, every person we meet has an entirely different perspective, based upon his or her experiences to date. Their lives inform their decisions, their opinions and of course, their words. When we take the time to truly listen to others, we can expand our own worlds.
“Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand.” — Karl Menninger
Expansion is the nature of the universe, really. Although there is an ebb and flow to all natural patterns, the cumulative effect is one of forward progression. Listening generates the same kind of “social physics,” in my opinion.
When we are around people who listen to us, we are encouraged to explore our inner landscape and to develop the vision we find there. By speaking it aloud, we give form and shape to our ideas.
I was able to actually witness this power earlier this week, when friend gave voice to a dream she had had percolating in her mind. Although this idea had been sifting in her head for quite some time, speaking it aloud during our conversation gave her idea a concrete quality.
It’s a gift to listen. It costs nothing, but is of course, priceless. Has there been a time in your life when someone really HEARD you? How did it make a difference in your life?
P.S. Every Sunday, I publish a free weekly newsletter called the 3 Minute Reset, which includes life lessons, life hacks and treats. To subscribe, click here.
