The COVID-19 pandemic has exacerbated the feelings of loneliness many of us have been experiencing (even we introverts who are more comfortable than most with being alone). Sending out an S.O.S. can be difficult for everyone, but it’s especially difficult for “strong” people. I speak with authority on the subject, because I’m generally someone that many consider a strong and resilient person.

Spoiler alert: there are occasions when I absolutely need help. Today, I’ll share a few of the reasons why I find it difficult to ask for it.

When I was a little kid, and would ask my grandmother for help with a task, her first response was, “Pretend you’re alone.” After this prompt, she would stay next to me — she wouldn’t abandon me. If I was really stuck, she’d offer hints, saying, “Have you noticed the ladder next to the door? …How could you use that screwdriver to loosen the hinge?” etc. Her intent was to help me develop and cultivate critical thinking skills. As a result, by forcing me to consider contingencies and the big picture, there were many times when I found that I didn’t need her help after all. It’s an empowering thing to be able to generate solutions without help from an outside source.

But like many positives, this skill can warp into a negative if taken to an extreme. Full disclosure: I’m also more stubborn than the average bear, so my unwillingness to ask for help is also fueled by my headstrong streak.

I’m the oldest of three children, which comes with its own baggage. Traditionally, the eldest in the birth order tends to be more controlling, focused on perfectionism and labors under the illusion that to ask for help is to admit weakness. By the way, I am guilty of all of the aforementioned assumptions. It has taken me almost 50 years and more than my share of setbacks to understand that asking for help is not only a sign of strength, but it’s actually an art form.

Knowing when to ask for help, and being able to identify what you need is a skill. It requires a graciousness and willingness to expand your understanding of what’s possible.

When we ask for help, we’re usually driven to this point by pain: physical, financial, mental. Asking for help is usually a last resort.

Skillful askers have learned to identify the need for help BEFORE a crisis occurs. Some common indicators that you’ve reached a stage where help is needed:

• When you’ve stalled in a process — this can be a career issue, parenting stage, fitness level
• When you’re apathetic. NOTE: this is different from the feeling of a healthy detachment from how something will turn out. Apathy is anchored by ’Who cares? I sure don’t.” Healthy detachment is, “I’ve done my best; now I’ll wait and see how this turns out.”
• When you’re always angry — anger, especially low-level chronic anger, is a symptom of dissatisfaction, and it’s usually pointed inward.
• When you’re always sad — garden variety depression is another symptom that something is off kilter. NOTE: this is not clinical depression, which requires professional help, including and up to medication or other therapies.

When you find yourself stuck in any of these holding patterns, literally ask yourself, “What do I want?” and “What do I need?” If you quiet your head and silence your thoughts, your subconscious will usually pipe up with the answer. Journaling is also a great way for your subconscious to get a word in, edgewise.

Once your subconscious offers an answer to something within your power, do it. Stop second-guessing yourself. These answers usually fall within the realm of:

• take a nap
• watch your diet
• drink more water
• fire a client
• save your money
• apologize to ____________

If your subconscious offers a need that falls outside your area of expertise, or capacity, the next question to ask yourself is “Where can I find the answer?” Again, learn to listen for the answer. FACT: If your subconscious had the wherewithal to generate the answer, it also knows where you can find it. HEED THIS INFORMATION. If you don’t, you are willingly keeping yourself in a state of suspended animation. Action steps may include:

• calling the friend your subconscious suggested
• doing a Google search for resources in the category
• looking up a person who has succeeded in the area you’re seeking help/advice
• attending an event where an authority on the subject is speaking/teaching

If you are absolutely stuck, begin your search for help by asking yourself, “I want to know what I want.” Put that mantra on repeat throughout the day. Eventually, you’ll excavate the answer(s).

Also crucial: Whenever you are given an answer from your inner guide, act upon it. Any time you ask for help from yourself and you ignore it, you’re crippling your own abilities. Trust yourself.

“Walked out this morning, I don’t believe what I saw
Hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore
Seems I’m not alone at being alone
Hundred billion castaways, looking for a home
I’ll send an S.O.S to the world…
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle.”
— Gordon Sumner

There are a lot of us looking for help. The good news is, with a billion or so of us walking the planet, there’s a good chance that someone else has the ability and willingness to help you.

Ask.

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