“People who speak ‘victim’ can’t understand the language of accountability.”
This thought filtered to the top of my awareness one day while I took a walk around the neighborhood.
It can get pretty dicey when using the word victim. It tends to activate the defensiveness-factor of others (usually among those who are still healing from physical or mental wounds). When I talk about victim mentality, I sometimes get accused of victim blaming. I can see where some may interpret it as such. But it’s not.
For the record, and to make it clear: I do not support, celebrate or intentionally wish to cause others pain or harm. I’ve been in many terrible situations, which, when viewed in hindsight, am able to recognize the part I played in bringing them about. Here are just a few choice examples from my personal blooper reel:
• Ex-husband who divorced me when I was two months’ pregnant with our daughter
— my part in this was not only marrying someone I knew to be a poor choice for me, but when I had a chance to leave, I did not. This situation is referenced briefly in my book.
• Facing eviction
— my part in this was working for an organization without creating a mechanism for earning a salary, not asking for what I was worth, being afraid to set boundaries.
• Experienced a home invasion, and losing thousands of dollars in cash
— my part in this was being too transparent about living alone and keeping large amounts of cash at home, instead of in a bank.
If you don’t take ownership of your behavior, you’ll repeat it. When you take accountability, a few things happen.
1. Your self-esteem increases. Using victimhood as a shield erodes your self-confidence and self-respect. The very act of claiming your behavior boosts your perception of yourself.
2. Having this increased self-confidence opens your eyes to solutions.
3. When you do ask for help, you’ll do so from a place of power and awareness of how to move forward.
Owning your choices also activates a polarity that attracts other people who are in a position to help you. Every time you own a choice and overcome the circumstances that surround it, you get stronger. Like the baby chick who gains strength by pecking out of its own shell, your ability to take responsibility for your actions gives you strength.
Once you’ve learned from your experience, you’ll have the ability to recognize when others are stuck in the same place you were. What’s more: you’ll have the tools and insights available to help them.
A few years ago, I remember reading the book, If Life is a Game, These Are the Rules, written by Cheryl Richardson. Something she wrote stuck with me: “until you face a situation and internalize the lesson from it, that same situation will be presented to you in various forms until you learn it.”
Facing up to our choices helps to release the energy attached to it, freeing you up to continue your life’s journey.
An optional homework assignment: Think about something that seems to repeat itself in your life, whether it’s a relationship/family issue, a money issue or something work related. Is there a common theme? If so, what is your part in its continuing presence in your life? Want to let it go? The first way to move past it is to ask yourself, “What can I do today that will help me break this connection?” Then do it.
Own it.
P.S. Every Sunday, I publish a free weekly newsletter called the 3 Minute Reset, which includes life lessons, life hacks and treats. To subscribe, click here.
