Today, while walking around my neighborhood, I overheard a child’s voice call out, “Excuse me!” My mom instinct kicking in, I paused and looked over my shoulder, looking for the source of the voice. It was a little girl, about seven years old.
She wasn’t trying to get my attention. Instead, I saw her untangle herself from her bicycle and step toward a young woman who was standing next to her dog — a full-grown Golden Labrador Retriever.
“Excuse me!” she repeated. “May I please pet your dog?”
Two things immediately came to my mind:
1. I was impressed with this child’s manners and awareness of how to approach a dog. While Labradors are usually a well-tempered breed known to be good with children, it is unwise to assume that all dogs love children.
2. I was doubly impressed with her use of the word “may” instead of “can.”
May is one of the magic words that unlocks possibility. It is a softening word that opens channels and triggers a social response from people when they hear it. The word may is associated with seeking permission, which automatically creates a reciprocity relationship between the two people who are linked by the conversation. It also usually generates a subliminal feeling of largesse in the person granting permission.
Many people use the word “can” instead of may when making requests. Why does may work in a way that can, er, can’t? In my opinion, for one thing, the word can is harsher, phonetically. It jangles against the ear; whereas the word may sounds more pleasing. For another, the word can is technically an expression of capacity or capability.
Try using the word may instead of can and watch how it changes the way people respond to your requests.
Another word swap I would recommend is to use the word “with” instead of “to” when referring to things like conversations. For example, “I spoke with the team” instead of “I spoke to the team.” To is a dagger-y little word—very pokey and off putting. I imagine it as a curt, two letter finger, jabbing at people. The word to suggests a dictatorial, top-down, hierarchical uneven exchange; whereas, with is collaborative and inclusive.
When people feel as if they are included, you tend to get buy in from them when working toward a common goal, for example. With is a team word.
Incorporating these two words has been a language change I’ve made to my interpersonal relationships over the previous 10 years or so (both professional and personal). My results are anecdotal, but I can tell you that using these two words has improved the way I move through the world.
Pay attention to the words you use each day: both the ones you use when talking with others and when talking to yourself. Your words are the syllabic foundation upon which you build the world you inhabit.
Thanks for joining me today. I appreciate your support!
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