Take a look at the people you’ve chosen to surround yourself with—are there people from your childhood who no longer align with your goals or beliefs? Do you spend time with work colleagues who stifle your spirit? Is your circle of friends supportive and encouraging? There’s an extremely effective sorting statement you can apply to your relationships that will begin to shift the energy of the individuals in your orbit:
“If someone is not nourishing you, they are draining you.” — Anonymous
Autonomy, resilience, independence, happiness—these states of being seldom occur in a vacuum. Gaining one’s independence and sense of self-worth is a process. Even folks who do seem to reach financial autonomy through an event like winning the lottery must proceed through additional stages in order to develop true independence. Financial solvency is only one aspect of being independent. Psychological, spiritual, physical and mental aspects apply as well.
Along the way, as you transform, whether by choosing different habits, or perhaps making new friends, you will encounter resistance from some of those closest to you. By changing, you’re upsetting the status quo, and most people are averse to change. Parents, siblings and friends are used to the version of you that they’ve been around for years. When you change, they sometimes interpret your changes as a judgement or possible disapproval of them.
Therefore, if you wish to be truly independent, you must divest yourself of the opinions of others. I use the following quote as a mantra to help reinforce this concept:
“What you think of me is none of my business.”
This doesn’t give you permission to be a jerk. Nor does it mean that you can flippantly tell others, “If you don’t like me, it’s your problem.” What it does mean is that you’ll have to get even better at distilling what people are saying, what they are doing and their intention behind their behavior.
When divesting yourself of people who are no longer in alignment with the new person you’re becoming, the phrase, “don’t throw the baby out with the bath water” also applies. It’s not necessary to dump all of your current friends and to disown your family in one fell swoop. There is a difference between “selfish” and “self care.”
Selfish: applying a “my way or the highway, like it or lump it” approach to the way you deal with others. If you are steam-rolling others’ feelings to benefit your immediate needs, then you are being a jerk.
Self care: Choosing to spend time at the gym and while your buddy prefers to stay on the couch playing video games until his calluses bleed is an example of self care. You are responsible for your choices; he his. It may be that he eventually joins you at the gym. It may be that he doesn’t.
If the latter is the case, then you have to think about whether his friendship is building you up or draining you. In order to excel, you must surround yourself with people who inspire you to fulfill your greatest potential. These pace-setters, mentors or guides help you to set and achieve your goals. Their encouragement when second guessing ourselves is priceless.
Take a moment to list the top ten people you see each day, even if it’s a clerk at a store. I know that the clerk may seem like a minuscule exposure, but our habits affect our mood, our perspective and our trajectory. If you stop at a place for coffee every morning and the clerk is snide, abrupt and rude, how do you think that sets the tone for your day?
Here are some benchmark questions you can use to determine whether you are being fed or drained:
• Does this person care about *you* (or does this person care about what you can do for him/her)?
• Does this person encourage you in your goals?
• Does this person make more or less money than you?
• Does this person smile a lot or complain instead?
• Do you like yourself when you are around this person?
If you find that some people generate a lot of ‘no’ answers, it benefits you to examine why they’re part of your life. Are the reasons valid anymore? Are some of the negative responses due to your own behavior? Do a cost-benefit analysis of the psychological and spiritual “expenses” incurred by remaining connected to each of the people you’ve listed.
When you find yourself in misalignment, allow the natural disconnect to happen. That’s really the easiest way of removing people who no longer are in sync with your goals. It’s spiritual physics. Imagine your relationships as a series of gears. As the gears tumble, they are always in a state of movement, with individual cogs meshing, churning and moving in a series of alignments and disengagement, propelling you forward.
When you change, natural disengagement with people will happen. Let it happen. Let them go to make room for the new person you’re becoming, and the new people you’re attracting.
“All I know for sure that what we dwell on is who we become.” — Oprah Winfrey
The people in your orbit are the people you’re “dwelling” with—they are your mirrors and benchmarks.
If you wish to become independent, you must surround yourself with people who have achieved what you aspire to be. Water does indeed seek its own level.
It’s not judgement: it’s physics. Trust the process.
P.S. Every Sunday, I publish a free weekly newsletter called the 3 Minute Reset, which includes life lessons, life hacks and treats. To subscribe, click here.
